Reflections on abuse

I have become that girl who yell’s at the television,whenever a scene about abuse play’s. I’ll be shouting he is lying to you. Cmon, girl don’t fall for the crocodile tears. The baby, “I am sorry I will change, I will seek counseling.” I just need you in my life, I can’t live without you. When a man apologizes ,it makes me sick.

I can’t trust a man anymore, every time I see a man I imagine him over me and his face filled with anger. I have come to realize that love is not a grave, I should bury myself in. Part of the reason I don’t go out anymore, is because I am afraid of attracting another abuser or cheater. I am afraid of being a statistic again and I seem to be a magnet for bad guys.

You know, I am in this darkness and I can’t pull myself out of it. A cloud of negativity is always over my head. I made a logical self preservation choice, to isolate myself from the world. That way I won’t be hurt by anyone nor will hurt anyone.I want to believe in love, but it’s a myth made to fool and manipulate the weak.

I used to love romcoms and chick flicks because women are always told that Prince charming is coming, if you just wait the good Lord will bless me. I don’t know why I have been crushing on a dude for 6years.I don’t know why I have opened my heart to losers who break it. I am an angry black woman, I am broken but I do believe I will hold out one more time for God to finally do right by me.

At the end of the day, I have learned valuable lessons when I was being beaten. I also learned that I am a fighter, when I punched back.

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I AM DROWNING IN A RIVER OF EMOTIONS


My feeling’s overflowing into a crack at the back of my brain
My heart pumps with rigorous emotions
My blood is engulfed with sorrow
My eye’s blinded by ever flowing tears
I clinch my chest in a effort to catch a breath
My lung’s can’t give way to new life

When I am gone shed no tear for me
When I am gone speak no ill of me
Always listen to my sorrow in the wind
Hear the soft voice of the river
Following along side my deep rooted emotions
Aligne my dream’s to the stars

Smile it will cost you nothing
I learned to laugh my sorrow away
To be pulled within myself
To savour my emotions
Has been my life’s mission
My journey to sanity
Realizing my mortality

I try to shield my myself from the world
In a sea of emotions
Barely keeping my head above water
I backstroke avoiding my reflection
I am simply drowning in my own emotions

I am not revolutionary
Keeping my hair nappy
I am revolutionary
For staying afloat in a sea of my emotions
At times I feel little feet dancing in my eye bone
They call it stress
But I am always complimented
On how I wear my stress too well

My life on an invisible stage
All my scenes unseen
Without my musk
I am nothing…. ✘✘✘

Terms of mortality

I maybe a tiny little speck
In the whole existence of life
I maybe insignificant to many
Invincible to some
I possibly look like a great punching bag, to someone
My existence repulses somebody
And someone may feel the urge of redemption in my presence
Because most people are convinced that I never age
They say I still look like the kid they met age’s ago
See mine is not an extravaganza of a life

I sometimes toy with the idea of death
I wonder if anybody will even show up at my funeral
I wonder what friends I lost contact with will have to say about me
Will they even miss me?
Will anybody miss me ,even though they don’t miss me now
I am like a speck of dust, unseen with naked eye’s
But under a microscope I am a wonder to be hold
I am the master, the jack that trades smiles for tears

They say no man is an island
So I guess a woman can be one
I am living proof, I am surrounded by ocean’s of my tears
The ocean floor is a home for anger ,resentment and hate
Life has become a chore
I try to swim to shore but I am drowning in my own tears
Yet I have been clowning around for years
I come to terms with my own mortality
I struggle to boast my own morale
My Christian moral’s are becoming undone

I unknowingly but deliberately pawn my need for love and affection
for porn
Pain has become me
In these four walls it has become my best friend
I often wonder if anyone will miss me
But in the end when I die
My friend will die with me
Depending on my fleet
Pain will die forever
Or forever be a part of me.

I AM DROWNING IN A RIVER OF EMOTIONS


My feeling’s overflowing into a crack at the back of my brain
My heart pumps with rigorous emotions
My blood is engulfed with sorrow
My eye’s blinded by ever flowing tears
I clinch my chest in a effort to catch a breath
My lung’s can’t give way to new life

When I am gone shed no tear for me
When I am gone speak no ill of me
Always listen to my sorrow in the wind
Hear the soft voice of the river
Following along side my deep rooted emotions
Aligne my dream’s to the stars

Smile it will cost you nothing
I learned to laugh my sorrow away
To be pulled within myself
To savour my emotions
Has been my life’s mission
My journey to sanity
Realizing my mortality

I try to shield my myself from the world
In a sea of emotions
Barely keeping my head above water
I backstroke avoiding my reflection
I am simply drowning in my own emotions

I am not revolutionary
Keeping my hair nappy
I am revolutionary
For staying afloat in a sea of my emotions
At times I feel little feet dancing in my eye bone
They call it stress
But I am always complimented
On how I wear my stress too well

My life on an invisible stage
All my scenes unseen
Without my musk
I am nothing…. ✘✘✘

A shrine for a past

I used to have friends once upon a time
Had deep powerful conversations
I never thought, that one day
We’d be like stranger’s
Passing each other with a forced hello or a not so friendly wave
Our conversations are restricted to one word

Our eye’s notice each other
Our brains reminisce about day’s of yesterday
Today, I sit alone
In my own little dark corner
Loneliness has replaced them
Companionship has alluded me
In my heart a shrine is carefully placed
In remeberence of my past friendships

I pour a drink for them
I toast to them and how they forgot about me
For what is worth I don’t blame you
I have become unrelatable
A thing you can’t understand
Ruled by paranoia
I ruled you out of my life

Death is not the end of things
Forgetting sometimes leads to death
But hey it’s life
We live we learn

Monday :Mental health

Lately I have  been reading posts about mental health.I have heard about people committing suicide, such as Robin Williams. In my mind, I pictured him as a happy man,who had peoples admiration and  was loved by so many people across the world.So why did he kill himself??? I admit I was angry and felt betrayed somehow. At that moment I came into turns with my morality and I remember thinking I need to get help, but that never happened.

Robin Williams suicide hit me hard, because like him nobody knows the extent of the pain I feel, I am a happy person when I try to cover up my demon’s, overly emotional when I am angry and when I am alone,I am very weepy.

I am 24 years old and my friend pool is drier than the Sahara desert. My family still clings to the idea that I am a shy person and I don’t like people or I am scared of people. None, of them can explain why I am like this, except my father. My father often says I am his copy, that he was so much like me when he was growing up. I believe that he is an introvert, but the type that can do extroverted things or maybe he is like Robin Williams he just hides his demons very well.

Yes, I have suicidal thoughts or tendencies. Ever since I got back from University and ran away from my abusive ex boyfriend, the number of times I have been out of the house can be a total of ten times. I stopped calling or texting my friends and I really don’t have friends in my kasi (hood).I have stopped going to church completely.

         DO I WANT TO END IT ALL?

        DO I WANT TO KILL MYSELF?

The answer to that is a big  FAT !                   YES!YES!YES!YES!

I sometimes think, death is the only way out. I have prayed until I have turned blue and God is on voicemail a lot. They flash those SADAG ( South African Depression and Anxiety Group) numbers on TV all the time, I see them.My thoughts are Shit do these people no who they are dealing with? A person who is depressed  is in denial. Plus being depressed and broke not a good combo. I don’t have energy to call them, no airtime to call them.Most importantly, I choose food over going to a R500 counseling session.

WHO WILL MISS ME WHEN I AM DEAD?

NOBODY! expect my family but it’s like I don’t exist to them nowadays. All they talk about is when am I getting a job? I see the disappointment in my parents eye’s every time they look at me. They pinned all their hopes and dreams on me, when I went to university .

The existence of friends is equal to the existence of water in the desert.Love life? Let’s just say don’t want to see a man near me. Poison, la bantu I tell you .

So What are my choices?

The problem is I am chicken  but one day I will have the courage to end it all. So now I am basically giving humanity one last chance.

  • A chance to show me life is worth living.
  • Reasons to live


 IF YOU WIN, I STAY 

IF I WIN,I GO

BUT I HAVE A FEELING I WILL WIN!

Friday tones

Tap your feet!

Clap your hands!!!👏👏

Snap your fingers!!!!👌

TO THE SOUND OF__________

PROVERB FT. THE SOIL-BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVOURED♪♩♬♩♪♬♩♩♬♩♪♪♬♩♪

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