Lately I have been reading posts about mental health.I have heard about people committing suicide, such as Robin Williams. In my mind, I pictured him as a happy man,who had peoples admiration and was loved by so many people across the world.So why did he kill himself??? I admit I was angry and felt betrayed somehow. At that moment I came into turns with my morality and I remember thinking I need to get help, but that never happened.
Robin Williams suicide hit me hard, because like him nobody knows the extent of the pain I feel, I am a happy person when I try to cover up my demon’s, overly emotional when I am angry and when I am alone,I am very weepy.
I am 24 years old and my friend pool is drier than the Sahara desert. My family still clings to the idea that I am a shy person and I don’t like people or I am scared of people. None, of them can explain why I am like this, except my father. My father often says I am his copy, that he was so much like me when he was growing up. I believe that he is an introvert, but the type that can do extroverted things or maybe he is like Robin Williams he just hides his demons very well.
Yes, I have suicidal thoughts or tendencies. Ever since I got back from University and ran away from my abusive ex boyfriend, the number of times I have been out of the house can be a total of ten times. I stopped calling or texting my friends and I really don’t have friends in my kasi (hood).I have stopped going to church completely.
DO I WANT TO END IT ALL?
DO I WANT TO KILL MYSELF?
The answer to that is a big FAT ! YES!YES!YES!YES!
I sometimes think, death is the only way out. I have prayed until I have turned blue and God is on voicemail a lot. They flash those SADAG ( South African Depression and Anxiety Group) numbers on TV all the time, I see them.My thoughts are Shit do these people no who they are dealing with? A person who is depressed is in denial. Plus being depressed and broke not a good combo. I don’t have energy to call them, no airtime to call them.Most importantly, I choose food over going to a R500 counseling session.
WHO WILL MISS ME WHEN I AM DEAD?
NOBODY! expect my family but it’s like I don’t exist to them nowadays. All they talk about is when am I getting a job? I see the disappointment in my parents eye’s every time they look at me. They pinned all their hopes and dreams on me, when I went to university .
The existence of friends is equal to the existence of water in the desert.Love life? Let’s just say don’t want to see a man near me. Poison, la bantu I tell you .
So What are my choices?
The problem is I am chicken but one day I will have the courage to end it all. So now I am basically giving humanity one last chance.
- A chance to show me life is worth living.
- Reasons to live
IF YOU WIN, I STAY
IF I WIN,I GO
BUT I HAVE A FEELING I WILL WIN!