Reflections on abuse

I have become that girl who yell’s at the television,whenever a scene about abuse play’s. I’ll be shouting he is lying to you. Cmon, girl don’t fall for the crocodile tears. The baby, “I am sorry I will change, I will seek counseling.” I just need you in my life, I can’t live without you. When a man apologizes ,it makes me sick.

I can’t trust a man anymore, every time I see a man I imagine him over me and his face filled with anger. I have come to realize that love is not a grave, I should bury myself in. Part of the reason I don’t go out anymore, is because I am afraid of attracting another abuser or cheater. I am afraid of being a statistic again and I seem to be a magnet for bad guys.

You know, I am in this darkness and I can’t pull myself out of it. A cloud of negativity is always over my head. I made a logical self preservation choice, to isolate myself from the world. That way I won’t be hurt by anyone nor will hurt anyone.I want to believe in love, but it’s a myth made to fool and manipulate the weak.

I used to love romcoms and chick flicks because women are always told that Prince charming is coming, if you just wait the good Lord will bless me. I don’t know why I have been crushing on a dude for 6years.I don’t know why I have opened my heart to losers who break it. I am an angry black woman, I am broken but I do believe I will hold out one more time for God to finally do right by me.

At the end of the day, I have learned valuable lessons when I was being beaten. I also learned that I am a fighter, when I punched back.

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