We go through our lives with the assumption that some things, won’t happen to us. Most womxn don’t think they will become victims of abuse. All my life I was sheltered by my fathers love, care and attention. Which resulted with me being naive and ignorant about the dangers that existed out there. I thought the stories of the big bad monster and the boogie man where only myths that were unfounded,well that was before I met him..
As a person who constantly watches animation movies, that told me “monsters are human too”.They need love, understanding and affection. One of my fatal flaws, was my weak heart and the ability to sympathize with the worst of the worst. Taking other people’s pain too personal.I guess my thing has always been I understand pain and I experience pain on a daily basis, so I was pretty much on a mission to heal hearts. I remember the first guy I dated, proposed love to me until he wore me down and I agreed to the relationship simply because I felt sympathy for him. He looked like someone I could twick and fix to my liking, at fifteen I only cared about being noticed by a hot guy.
The pattern,however never changed over the years,I dated guys who I never had feelings for, except one. The only guy who broke my heart and I run after him like a lost puppy. When I started dating I made the mistake of falling for broken guys who needed to be fixed. I was a magnate that attracted guys with issues. It was a case of the blind leading the blind, the patient healing the doctor. One of my greatest fears is being abounded, so a guy breaking up with me messed me up.
On my last year of college, I met my next pet project. He came from a broken home and a certified fuck boy, who splashed the fact that he was monied around. What drew me in was not his snobbish persona ,but the fact that he was a broken soul, I wanted to heal. I saw his fuck boy life style as a shield he used to deflect the real problem.
I was intrigued and unconsciously laid a trap for myself. In a way I was in deep combat with my own demons to consider him a threat to my wellbeing. I unwittingly let my own attacker in my inner most circle. Like my previous partners he showed signs of being overly emotional, he supposedly had a future planned out in his head and I became an unwilling participant. Simply because I did not want to break him any further.
I came to the realization that if a man see’s your weaknesses, he will manipulate and use you to his advantage. This man was no different, he plotted and schemed to keep me by his side. I was completely oblivious to the facts in front of me. When I caught on to the gist and attempted to leave,by then it was to late. He had already cornered me, he alienated me from my best friend and was attempting to draw a wedge between me and my remaining friends. He had me right where he wanted I was staying with him and my family was going through a rough patch financially, so he became the provider.
The fact that he was the provider got into his head, like Hozier sings “I tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife”.My problems became his sword. My demeanor changed drastically, as I became defensive as hell. I was like a trapped animal but I was not going to be an easy prey. It became my mission to make his life as miserable as he had made mine. I deprived him of sexual intercourse, with infuriated him. To the point that he forced himself on me and physically assaulted me. My biggest shortfall is my low self-esteem and low self confidence which have led to slight depression. I sometimes become too emotionally dependent on a person and on my dark days I get suicidal thoughts.
My problems were my downfall, he got more power and pleasure from my pain. In our relationship of almost a year, he beat me a total of three times, manipulated me,blackmailed me, locked me in and totally knock down my will to live. I will always maintain that I had issues before I meet my abuser. As much as I targeted him as my pet project I wanted to help, I came out as a perfect punching bag.Although, I was able to fight him physically, emotionally I was no match.
To date, my saddest memory of this whole ordeal is his friend locking us in a room so he could beat me. Even though I was in a bad shape and shed tears in front of him my pleas fell on deaf eyes. I was told how much this cat loved me and how I shouldn’t throw away a year old relationship. How he would have people over even after he assaulted me, I felt like it was me against the world. Until I found help from my guardian angel who told me “Pet, you have to speak up. Tell your parents about this, you are not in the wrong”I blame myself yes I do.Not because it is in my nature to do so but because I put myself in harms way. I had the it won’t happen to me syndrome. But now I am part of the statistics of womxn who were abused by their partners. However, I am also a survivor of abuse.
According to Buzz South Africa Violence against women has become a serious problem worldwide. Information from
different countries indicate that 35% of all women have been physically or sexually abused by an intimate or non-intimate partner.While women across the
globe fall victim to physical or sexual violence everyday, African women are particularly vulnerable to this regard.
It has been concluded that African countries have some of the highest levels of physical and sexual violence against women in the world. However, the statistics are sometimes considered unreliable due to poor reporting probably as a result of fear. The South African report partly links the low report and conviction rate of violence
perpetrators to the post-apartheid public perception of the police force.
I have come to the realization that abusive male’s often seek out their victims through a certain criteria. womxn who are either poor, the independent womxn, womxn with emotional and mental problems.An acquaintance of mine once said a guy told her “I picked you because you are abusable”. Do men just go out there and seek out a womxn they could control? I once asked my ex why are doing this to me, he smiled and said I want you to submit to me. Does submitting to your abuser, put an end to abuse? Does making him happy stop the punches from coming?
The answer is No.No amount of sincere apologies can change the situation, No amount of forgiveness can wipe away the memories of abuse and certainly No amount of I love you can ease the pain.I thought abuse could never happen to me, but it did. Now I wonder what now?