Letter to my ex

By Msichana
‎ⓐⓜⓨⓣⓗⓔⓢⓣ ♚
I am forgettable
I am unapproachable
I am unlovable
I am weak
I am stupid
That’s why I am alone

Maybe that’s why you abused me
I have been scattering my brain
Trying to figure out
What went wrong
What I did wrong

You used to call me your angel
The love of your life
The queen of your heart
The one who’d birth your seed

Wa ntshepiša magodimo le mafase
Wa ntshepiša tereni
You caught a glimpse of my weaknesses and magnified them into your strengths of capture

In your hands I found comfort
Your shoulder turned into my pillow
The pillow I neglected to feed my tears every night
Your ears opened and listened
For that moment you became the embodiment of my knight ♘

I threw caution to the wind
As I shrunk at the attention given to me, I put it all on the line
Failed to listen to the gut that is never wrong
Rolled the window way down
And let the air in

I truly was suffocating
Too strong too to give in to suicide
Clung to the bit of confidence I had
I gave in really to the itch
That needed to be scratched

But you became the end to me
It was late when I finally realised
Ga gona sporo, to ride my train on
It finally dawned on
That all that glitters is not gold
That it’s not always greener

I gave you strength I never had
I gave you care I never gave to myself… As for love
I don’t know
My demons chased me right into the devil’s play ground

But at the end of it all
After what the feminist
Would call taking my power back
You took away the little strength, confidence and esteem I had
You see it’s bad luck to steal from the poor

I have grown to dislike your existence in it’s entirety
My abuser and ex lover
You have my strength
Hanging like dog tags on your neck

My will power and dreams you snatched
My heart you broke
My mind you wrecked
Father preaches forgiveness
He says I give power to you if I don’t forgive

Yet I look above for redemption
My heavenly Father, I wail to
But alone I feel
You can have my strength
I will be pestered by headaches
A broken heart
Regrets and stress
But know for now
I hate you

Hate is such a sweet word to me
Jah, I am a hypocrite
I ask God to forgive me but still I loathe you
Addicts say the first step to recovery is to admit the problem

My hate for you it’s the root of mine
Again I will say a hypothetical prayer
Thinking my tears would move him on his throne
And my pillow would shiver from my tears
That the walls of this room
Could tell a different story

Dear ex lover
Your pleas for a love back
Is consequentially denied
Your declarations of love don’t shake me, your voice
Asking me how I am sickness me
Your existence bothers me

Your pain is like a sweet nectar to me, your tears on the other hand mean nex to me
How shallow are you to expect sympathy from me?

The woman you battered
The womxn you spoke down to
The same you thought so lowly off
Your queen?

Even servants are treated better
I resent the fact that you want a pardon from me
An excuse for your behavior
Blaming your parents age old divorce for your problems

I hate being punished for other people, being treated like I am not my fathers pride
Like I have daddy issues
But you you were born bad
And I will never love you
I am basking in my karma
I really hope she visits you too

That someday someone will put you through hell and back
Just so you could feel ♬♪♩♬♪♩
The shit I felt

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